First. Day. Of. Preschool.
Felt a bit like this.
Dear Jonah Boy,
Last Thursday was your first day of preschool. Holy crap. We ate eggs from the ladies for breakfast and it started out pretty smooth. We air guitar-ed to Mumford and Son's..
As the time drew nearer... emotions ran high. I could tell you were getting nervous. We convinced you it was okay to stay alone with your class and teacher because we would be outside waiting for you and with a promise to the icky store right after to get a Star Wars toy. You were crying off and on before we left and I knew you were nervous. I couldn't get you to stop for a picture. In this one you are walking away from me.
I was sick with a cold so Dad said he would take you... but we couldn't resist. We all went. I know Dad used my cold as an excuse, but he really wanted to go. He didn't want to miss your first day and he wanted to be the one to drop you off. And we were not the only ones. There were a bunch of families outside for your first days ;). On the drive there, I looked back at you in your carseat. My mind rushed forward 15 years and I could see us dropping you off to college. My heart was breaking and so full of love. We walked you downstairs when we got there and I was fighting back tears. I could tell you were nervous because you didn't want to talk to anyone and you went over by the toys by yourself. I kissed you goodbye and I walked away and left you with dad. You started to cry and I knew Yoyo and I had to go back upstairs. We could hear you screaming and crying. Just you. And Lilly. :). Dad dropped me off at home and took leo to the store. Our house felt so big and empty. My heart was breaking. I missed you so much. I sat on the couch reading a John Wayne magazine I got for Grandpas birthday, but I kept bursting in to tears. I am so excited for you. You will learn so much. So many people will part of this incredible journey of life and I am just a small part of it. I love watching you learn and grow and experience... but for a moment, I needed to be sad. I needed to FEEL all of what was happening and sink into the idea that a chapter of our time together was closing and a new one opening. I didn't want to miss that. So I cried. I sobbed. I felt so much love for you. I worried about you. I laid on the couch with a cold and a blanket like the Mrs. Bennet in Pride and Prejudice lamenting over my nerves!! But I don't want to miss the feeling part of life. I don't want to miss the story. I don't want to skip over the substance. And watching you and Leo is so beautiful only crying can articulate it.
You loved it, by the way. I went down and you were holding a picture while your class was singing a song. Your teacher told me that you walked up to her after for crying for a while and said, "I'm ready now." And you were. And that is so you. You did the processing you needed to do... and you were ready. I love the way you show up in the world. I love how you participate with a whole heart. You are a Human. It's so hard to comprehend :).
Preschool, school, college, whatever. I hope we always can do this.
Ps. Today was day two. We had a rough start. You walked all the way up to preschool backwards, holding my hand. You scooted down the stairs with leo behind you one at a time. BUT... we got there. Miss Stacy took your hand. And you did it. Love you, Jonah Boy.
