Sleep

Dear Jonah,

This week you have started sleeping in your own room, in your own bed. I should now be sleeping soundly, with lot's of room to roll around and breathing space--instead I am holding my breath listening for yours from the other room.... waiting to hear a sigh, a breath, a movement. I lay there wondering if the blanket is over your head, if you are warm enough. I lay there half-way to mostly awake until you finally become restless and let out a small cry. Then I leap from bed and bring you to bed with me, so I can finally sleep soundly.

Last night I held you close and watched you as you fell back to sleep and I started to miss you already. I know someday, and someday soon, you will mostly sleep in your own room. You will be too big to cuddle in a perfect circle in my arms. I will love the new you, but I will miss our sleepless nights together. So many nights I wake up from a deep sleep and see your sweet face sleeping next to me. Somehow this wakes me all the way up, and I stare at you and smile. One night the moon was reflecting blue off your face. One night there was a huge lighting storm. Most nights you have your arm over your face or tucked under your chin, propping your face up. All nights I am filled with love for you. I remember the very first night I woke up next to your in the hospital room. I was overcome with love. My cup runneth-ed over. :). I thought of all we had already been through together in less than 24 hours. Pain and love like I had never known. I thought 'there has to be something. How could we possibly go through so much for nothing.'

Love you sleepy baby.