I and Love and You.

You turned one today. My cup over-runneth.  I love you, tinky face.

Dear Jonah,
We are back! It is now time for binge posting since our computer has been broken for months! I have so much to say to you... You will be one in one week from today.  Guess if that makes me sentimental? It does.

I found this quote today in Eastern Body, Western Mind--my new favorite book-- and I got all choked up. It is from The Prophet, by the poet Kahlil Gabran.

Your children are not your children.
They are the sons and daughters of life's longing for itself.
They come through you, but not of you.
And though they are with you yet, they belong not to you.
--- Kahlil Gibran

That is only a segment from the passage, but I feel that more everyday. When I watch you learn, dipping your fork into yogurt, vacuuming every corner of the kitchen, closing your eyes when i wash your hair, I realize you are nature set in motion.  You came with all the programming, with all the potential just waiting for triggers in the world around you to call them out--then you shoot out a sprout.  We make your soil rich, and you do the rest. I watch you with awe, as I do with many things in nature.

playlist

*slow it down....coldplay
*falling slowly....once
*swept me away....avett brothers
alone....trampled by turtles
you belong to me....lumineers
everybody talks....neon trees
we are young....fun
some nights....fun
somebody that i used to know...gotye
this is from matilida...alt j
eet....regina specktor

Firsts

Clapping.
Holding things out for me to try.
Purposefully rubbing your eyes and nose and ears.
Mamamamamamamama... when you are mad.
Rolling to what you want.
Amaranth.
Carrots.
Watermelon.
 Halloween.

All in the last few weeks. 

Sleep

Dear Jonah,

This week you have started sleeping in your own room, in your own bed. I should now be sleeping soundly, with lot's of room to roll around and breathing space--instead I am holding my breath listening for yours from the other room.... waiting to hear a sigh, a breath, a movement. I lay there wondering if the blanket is over your head, if you are warm enough. I lay there half-way to mostly awake until you finally become restless and let out a small cry. Then I leap from bed and bring you to bed with me, so I can finally sleep soundly.

Last night I held you close and watched you as you fell back to sleep and I started to miss you already. I know someday, and someday soon, you will mostly sleep in your own room. You will be too big to cuddle in a perfect circle in my arms. I will love the new you, but I will miss our sleepless nights together. So many nights I wake up from a deep sleep and see your sweet face sleeping next to me. Somehow this wakes me all the way up, and I stare at you and smile. One night the moon was reflecting blue off your face. One night there was a huge lighting storm. Most nights you have your arm over your face or tucked under your chin, propping your face up. All nights I am filled with love for you. I remember the very first night I woke up next to your in the hospital room. I was overcome with love. My cup runneth-ed over. :). I thought of all we had already been through together in less than 24 hours. Pain and love like I had never known. I thought 'there has to be something. How could we possibly go through so much for nothing.'

Love you sleepy baby.

Tuk

Dear Jonah,

You love tuk right now. You reach for him, you are delighted by the way he jumps around. You want to pet him, you laugh when he licks you.

The other night when dad was delivering pizzas, I took the two of you on a walk to Brian and Alina's. You started to cry, so i picked you up. I was dragging Tuk and holding you with one arm, and pulling the stroller along with the other. It was quite the show. I was exhausted, but not mad or frustrated.

My heart actually sunk a little. I will miss these days of wrangling you all around while you are little. But i can't wait for the day when you and Tuk realize you are best friends.

Right now, right now.

Dear Jonah,

I am having moments realizing how much these moments mean right now. When I lie with you on the bed and sing and hold your hand, when you catch my eye from across the room, when you fall asleep in my arms... suddenly I remember you will only be a baby once. I will only be your mom while you're a baby once. One time. In my whole life. In your whole life. In all the span of human existence, I only get this time, one time. Right now. Sometimes dad holds you up and jokingly says "Stop. Stop growing! Stay just like this." Of course we want you to learn and grow and experience all the amazingness of life, but this is the most amazing my life has ever been. So each moment of this time is so precious to me. I will treasure these days, and the funny thing is, is that you will have no conscious memory of them. But your body will remember. Your wiring will remember. The more sweet I can make each moment, the more sweet your future moments will be with others. So each minute counts and is counting. I love you, Jonah baby... and I will love you still when you are Jonah boy, and Jonah man....

Now I know why I cry and why my dad cried every time we sing...
              Where are you going?...My little ones, precious ones,... Where are you going? My baby, my own....Turn around and your two, turn around and your four, turn around and your a big boy, going out moms back door... Where are you going? My little ones, precious ones, time like a memory.. Where did you go? Turn around, it's a week.... Turn around it's a year.... Turn around it's a memory turning into a tear...